Hello, beloved readers! It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Truth is, I’ve been blue, and its difficult to write from the heart when all I want to do is cry all day.
Two days before Christmas, I was in a car accident that left me with a swollen leg and bruises all over my body. Luckily both myself and the other driver walked away without major injuries, but my car was totaled. I felt this loss like the death of a dear friend. It was a gift from my late grandmother, my custom built dream car, and had been with me through every relationship and every move for the past 7 years. Losing it was like losing a piece of me; it felt like an arm had been ripped away.
I know I’m being melodramatic. I know that it’s just a car, can be (has been) replaced, that accidents happen, and the ultimate thing of importance is that no one was badly hurt.
Cognitively, I understood this. Emotionally, I couldn’t make sense of it. My entire world was turned upside down while I tried to deal with the guilt from being the one at fault. I stopped going to the gym, and tried instead to find solace in cookies. And cake. There were a lot of cookies and cake.
What is it about food that we find so comforting? I remember watching an episode of American Horror Story where one of the characters defended her eating habits by proclaiming that food is a substitute for love. Is that why I craved junk so badly? Goodbye old friend, hello Type II diabetes?
I’m an all or nothing kind of person. Lately I’ve tried to accept the gray, because let’s be real, nothing in this world is simply all black or all white. But I’ve always been gun-ho in one direction or another. So in December I was gun-ho eat cookies like my life depended on it. In January, I’m doing a juice cleanse.
That’s right – a juice cleanse. I do not recommend them or support them. I think all they do is give you sugar and leave you in a protein deficit (the one I bought also has a ton of B vitamins, whoopee). So I’ve added food like Greek yogurt, egg whites, and avocado, and I eat that in moderation. Sometimes I’ll have a protein bar if I have a really hard workout.
This is not going to last long, even though a perverse part of me wants to train my body to survive on the meager portions I’m allowing myself. The reality of living a healthy lifestyle is that you need food, the right kinds of food in the right amounts, to fuel your body. Despite this, I’m treating this cleanse like penance for my innumerable binge eating sins.
You read it here first: this is stupid. I’m not sure what sort of metabolic damage I’m inviting by these ups-and-downs in weight and caloric intake (not to mention the difference in quality between a high-sugar diet and a clean eating diet). Emotional- and over-eating are often indicators of high stress, low self-esteem, and body dysmorphia. And I’m working on that. But I’m open to discussing it on here because I think these are issues that many people struggle with, and the path to recovery requires an open dialogue.
I’m not ashamed to put the spotlight on my own struggles if it means helping another human being win their battle. With obesity rates as high as they are in America, this is a battle that many of us are fighting at the same time. But the stigma of being overweight means we force ourselves into dark corners, possibly pantries, where we can sit back and eat sweets and hide from the reality of the situation. But I think we must bring these issues to light, so that we can fight the battle together, side by side.
Capital Fit Geek 